I have always been gay. All my life I have had a special charge, an attraction for other guys. I have felt nothing similar for girls or
women. I am just wired for men. I was into Batman and Robin when I was a kid, not Wonder Woman (or her amazing amazon breasts).
Don't get me wrong; I think Wonder Woman is fabulous. I just have no desire to see what is under her groovy
costume. She needs to keep that lycra on and beat up the bad guys. Now, if Batman's costume gets ripped across his broad, muscular
chest as he grapples with some big, strong thug, well . . . . .
When I was in the hospital, after my car accident in 1989, I had a complete memory loss. I did not have the slightest idea
who I was for many weeks. I did not know my name or recognize my family and friends. I did not speak or understand words spoken to me. My
mind was a blank, and I also "forgot" what happened from one second to the next. My injured brain would not record new memory, and could not
access any past memory.
I did not start to speak for about 2 months, and even then it was very slowly and haltingly, as I searched for words
and off times forgot what the heck I was trying to say when I was part of the way through a sentence. I slowly re-learned things like my name,
who my family and friends were, how to speak and walk (I had physical, speech and occupational therapy a few times a week) and just
how to move around in a world I had very little understanding, knowledge or memory of. I am saying this to tell how out of it I was for
quite some time.
Even in this very gray and shapeless place, I was still gay. I couldn't remember my name, didn't recognize my mother when she came to
see me, couldn't even remember how to unscrew a tube of toothpaste (that had me stymied for a long time - good thing for
those flip-top ones!), and my eyes still went to my cute roommate. My attraction to him was as natural as blinking my eyes
or yawning (which was often at this time) and I had no idea about anything then. I just thought my roommate was cute.
I did not have any actual sexual thoughts about him - my mind was too simple then to hold such ideas - I just enjoyed looking at him.
I felt that attraction, even though it had no shape or design. Very similar to how I recall being attracted to strong male
figures when I was a kid. I did not think what I could do with those male Olympic athletes, I just really liked watching them go
tumbling gymnastics across the mats.
I did not really like my roommate. He was an angry young fellow, with some memory of his life from Before, but he was not recovering
as fast as I was. He was not kind to me and his family ignored me when they were there, but I still liked
looking at him. This experience of mine, where I felt attracted to other men (and none of the nurses, though some of them
were pretty, which I recognized in an aesthetic/non-sexual way, like appreciating flowers or brightly colored birds) has
shown me I am gay at the base of my being, before anything I have learned or can remember in life. I am gay before
memory, before the dawn of my awareness.
I am rock solid sure of my sexuality now. I know it is other men who charge my batteries, rev my engine, inflate my (tires?)
OK - enough of that ~ I just know who and what I am attracted to, at the solid core of my being. I wish I could bottle what
I have & give it away. I have met too many other queer guys who live lives of hopeless futility.
I met one of these sorry guys in the late 1990's, and I just totally fell in love with him before I knew. It was extraordinary. I'll call
him Mr X.
This man helped me to regain my emotions. Until I met Mr. X, I lived in a very gray and shapeless world, emotionally speaking.
I did not realize this because I just didn't remember what it felt like to FEEL. I met this man, really connected with him,
had a wonderful time with him on all levels. We had fantastic sex, I had a great time talking with him about all sorts of
things, he was kind, good looking, charming, and I started dreaming about building a terrific life with this fabulous man. I thought of him
all the time.
I understood what all the stupid LOVE songs are about, because that is how I felt. It was joyous and wonderful. It was amazing
and incredible - I really felt like I could see colors after living my whole life as a blind man or I could smell roses after living
a life on dry sawdust - it was that dramatic a change. It was the most dramatic part of my whole multi-year recovery.
My emotional awareness, my soul, changed for me in a matter of days. Unfolding and growing to vast new areas I had never imagined before.
My emotions were back, the part of ourselves we have at the very top, bottom, middle and everywhere of our minds and lives, the part of me
that was suddenly THERE again after I totally forgot about them. Suddenly they was with me again after being gone with no trace for over 6 years.
Then 2 weeks into our knowing each other, he sent me an email. He said he was scared. He said he liked me a lot too, but he
had something to tell me. His name wasn't Mr. X, it was Mr. W.
And he had a wife and 4 kids.
I recall I sat at my computer, in my room by the window, for over half an hour just staring at the screen, digesting this new
reality. Mr. X was actually Mr. W. And there was no way I could be with him because there was already his wife and 4 kids
there. I admit, all kinds of thoughts tumbled through my head - ways to be with him, how I could get rid of the wife and kids,
how I could keep knowing him - all kinds of crazy shit. I was a fool in love.
His wife even tracked me down at work a week after that (he had told her he was staying with a new friend who worked at
Bread & Circus out in Hadley and she was curious to meet me). I assumed she knew the score, so when we talked, I told her
everything that was going on. Apparently it was mostly news to her (though she's had her suspicions) so I guess Mr. W had an
interesting homecoming that night. She is a good woman, from what I recall, as Mr. W is a good man - just caught in the
fucked up mess Society has inflicted on queer people for far, far too long. Unfortunately, in their case, there are a number
of kids involved, so they can't very easily call it a day and move on.
I realized, in time, there was just no way. I do not know what he is doing now. At one point I tracked down his contact
information online (phone number & address) (we had only communicated via email) but what would be the point of talking to
him? I knew from what he told me he was very firmly installed in a life with his immediate family, a broad extended family,
work and friends and all I can hope is he's been able to do whatever to live a happy life in whatever way he can. I do wish
him well. He has a much much tougher row to hoe than I do. When I wake up with my husband, he is really who I wish to be
I have met my vegan mate. His name is Donn, and he's from Iowa. He saw a profile I had on
VeggieDate and contacted me. We met in NYC a month after that for a lunch date. A few dozen emails, phonecalls, he visited Massachusetts a few times,
I went to Iowa to meet some of his friends and his folks, then I flew out to Iowa in 2004 and drove back with him and his stuff in a UHaul.
We settled here in Cambridge, MA.
We were married on January 27, 2006. That is one of the best things about living in Massachusetts. Gays and Lesbians can get
legally married here to the man or woman they love. I know my sister and her wife (and their daughter) appreciate that too.
And the multi-year effort by some minions of Satan (no matter what they say, they're working from Fear and Hate) has failed, as those
so-called "Christian" people missed the 50 state legislatures they needed out of 200 in our state government to move their bigoted
constitutional amendment forward. I ask - what would Jesus do? Would He vote to strip loving couples of their marriages? I don't think so.
He was a right-on dude, as I understand it. Though I have read some interesting comments lately about how, despite the
Books of the Bible (written separately years after his supposed death) there are no other historical records of his existence. You'd think if there
was a guy who walked on water, was a great healer of the sick, performed other miracles, there would be some comment, some record of this. But, all
there is seems to be are the four Books, written separately, years apart by different men. How curious. Check out a video called: "The God
Who Wasn't There" - it brings up some interesting points. But, I digress.
Gay marriage has been legal here in Massachusetts for 5+ years now, and Massachusetts actually has the lowest rate
of divorce in the country. So much for destroying marriage. Divorce destroys marriage, not gays. 'Opening' up marriage to the gays and lesbians has
not done in marriage, and this state shows the majority of citizens, straight and gay, mean what they say when they make that vow. We'll see how
things go in California in 2010 when gay marriage is on the ballet there again. It is just a matter of time, no matter what the religious freaks do
and say. Gay people are never going away, but the crazy religious people are slowly dying off, and in a few years they'll be a minority of the
population in most all places.
With Vermont, Maine, New Hampshire, Connecticut and even Iowa joining as states that allow same sex marriage, it is inevitable that within the next 10 years
I predict gay marriage will be legal across the USA. It is, in the end, a matter of equal rights under the law, something we are all guaranteed in
the US Constitution.
Here are a slew of gay links. If any are dead, email me and I'll
see what's going on. Enjoy
Visit the Advocate.com site for daily headlines, breaking news, online exclusives, entertainment coverage, celebrity interviews,
and extensive LGBT resources and events.
Gay Roommates - Gay Roommate Finder:
PrideRoommates.com, in operation since 2003, is presently the largest gay roommate service in the US.
Gayscape #1 Gay and Lesbian Search Tool
365Gay.com A Daily Gay News site
The National Gay & Lesbian Task Force - a national US group working for queer equal rights.
GayWired The leading gay & lesbian online entertainment community.
ILGA ~ International Lesbian & Gay Association
GMHC Gay Men's Health Crisis
ACT UP - New York - AIDS IS A POLITICAL CRISIS
GAYSCAPE - #1 Gay & Lesbian Search Tool
Rainbow Network ~ International Online Queer Community/Mall
The Gayometer How gay are you? Take a fun test.
HRC ~ The Human Rights Campaign
GAY = OK!
The UK Gay Index
GFN The Gay Financial Network
GLAD - Gay & Lesbian Advocates and Defenders. A legal group who do so much, like making gay/lesbian marriage in Massachusetts possible!
GLAAD - Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. An NYC and Los Angelos based group who monitor media outlets and educate; provide training and work to contribute to an honest message getting out on GLBT issues.
The Gay Times - Europe's Biggest Gay Magazine
GLSEN - Gay, Lesbian, Students & Educators Network
Gay Crawler - Search Engine for Gays & Lesbians
NLGJA The National Lesbian & Gay Journalists Association
Independant Gay Forum
Gay Yellow Pages A Queer Resource Since 1973
Gay to Z The Gay Search Engine for Gay Britian
SR Gate A Queer Guide to the Bay Area
Gay Guide Connecting Gays - Worldwide - Travel Guide
Gay man becomes Playgirl's oldest model He was in the June issue of 2004
The ACLU Their Take On Gay/Lesbian Rights
Gay Outdoors Gay Outdoors, an international organization, offers free gay outdoor adventure travel recreation and events, etc. etc. etc....
GayZoo A Gay Search Engine
Gay Games This group was the Gay Olympics until they got sued for using that name.
Gray Gay The place for mature gay men & their admirers
Gay Homepage Network A site that offers free space for gay homepages
Gay Today A groovy site with daily gay news and many cool links
Dykedolls The world's first series of lesbian action figures
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
The Log Cabin Republicans Somehow these guys manage to be both gay and republican. Amazing.
That takes true balls. Or a bad brain inujry . . . not sure which.
Rainbow Roomates Greater NYC LBGT Roomates
Gay Roomie.com Gay Roomates Wherever (USA)
Gaylaxians Annual GLBTA Science Fiction, Horror, Gaming Convention for 2007 (in Atlanta, Georgia)
GLNH GLBT National Help Center ~ All Ages ~ 1-888-843-4564; 25 years and younger ~ 1-800-246-7743
Pro Gay Jobs A Site For Professional Lesbian and Gay Job Seekers
Gay Parenting Mag ~ As the name says, a site for those who are or wish to be parents.
Gay Buddhist Fellowship For the Gay Buddha In Us All
Gay Teens Resources for Gay Teens
Gay Christians God can be love when handled correctly.
GLBTQ an encyclopedia of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and queer culture
Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project Based in Cambridge, Massachusetts; resources and help for those in need.
The Gay Gene A site that is a forum for the study of sexual identity.
The Gay Gardener A Collection of Gardening Knowledge, Wit and Wisdom, Online
Gay League The FAN Site For Gay Comic Readers and Creators!
UUA Office of GLBT Concerns Unitarian/Universalists GLBTA Concerns Site
Gay Student Center A Site For Gay Students; Teens and College
Gay Diary RingA Network Of Online Gay Blogs
Gay Heroes Very cool site that lists many historical gay people as well as things happening now.
LGAIN Lesbian and Gay Aging Issues Network